I love your writing. I really do. And I also really appreciate how you actually draft it out on microsoft word before posting it. It shows how much thought you put into writing despite your ever-hectic days. I know you do that to yourself and I often wonder why you do. I guess what I've always admired about you is that you are able to pack your schedule so tight, yet still manage to maintain sanity. I would not be able to do that at all, especially if I was separated from my family on different continents.
In all honesty, I have forgotten what I wanted to write. The paragraph above was what I typed out before I saved it to drafts. But in light of what I said last night, I shall talk about it now.
I have never believed in academics, you would probably know that by now. I don't believe that academics defines a person's worth, or ability, or personality. But I know that academics is what allows us to live (good academics -> good job -> money -> etc). You pushing yourself so hard to keep up with readings, essays, deadlines, extra-curriculars is not an easy feat, and that's why you are the strongest person I know. You are also pretty constant, and you don't let anything get in the way of your goals. By constant I mean that I know when I meet you I will be talking to the same old retard that I shared a bed with in Khao Lak. That I won't be talking to someone who just gave up on life because there was simply too many things going on in your life.
With reference to what I told you last night, I don't want to be harsh but this is what I feel. I think that you pack your life so tight because you are afraid. You are afraid to feel things you don't want to or shouldn't. It's alright to be afraid, there is nothing embarrassing about it. Perhaps you don't want to think about such things cause you are geographically far away from the problem. But your family needs you to keep them in your heart. It honestly would be easier to cope if you felt things gradually than push it away and face it all at once. I know you will be strong for your family, but when you finally feel it, it will devastate you. Of course, I will be hoping for the best, but to cushion the blow, FEEL.
Maybe I am wrong about you being afraid, because I know in your heart you are fearless and brave.
You told me about your plans, I can understand why you want to consider that path. I know how you must be feeling confused and disappointed. But life is such, and I'm not professing I know life, but at different stages of our life we meet people. Some are meant to be there for a while, some are meant to stay in your life forever. Sometimes we just have to take a step back and think about who is worth it and who isn't. Heartache may be an interesting feeling but not for long. Trust me that you will get sick of feeling that ache. You will get sick of being "emo", and it gets to a point where you feel so lonely even when you aren't alone. Sometimes you have to think for yourself, especially if you have to take care of yourself. You are constantly putting others first, which isn't bad at all of course, but you neglect yourself sometimes, I feel. Even during your alone time, you are thinking about people around you. Put your heart first, protect it, don't let others hurt it. Coming from me, this sounds pretty stupid and hypocritical, but yeah, I'm learning and life is a learning process.
Don't let anyone make you feel like you are not good enough. NEVER. You said "our character, morals and values are our sole greatest prized possessions" and I completely agree. So why are you letting someone else make you feel bad? That is innately you, and why should you feel bad about being you? Do you believe in soulmates? I don't. I believe that people who truly love you will never make you feel inadequate. They won't throw you ten thousand curveballs and make you feel like ??? all the time.
My post is really bad cause there's no structure and no flow. I think I could probably summarise everything in a hug but you're on a different continent so here's a virtual one *hug*
Here's to 5 years of friendship
I miss you