I was re-reading my blog yesterday, from secondary school till graduation from JC. Huge waves of nostalgia and sadness swept over me.

I'll jump right into the point of my writing today. I think that we have — not just me — all lost our sense of youth. What exactly do I mean by "sense of youth"? As I was reading my old, old blogposts, looking at how I wrote (ATROCIOUS LANGUAGE AND WRITING STYLE), what I wrote about (details about daily life, whether small or big), and pictures (of everything. And I really mean EVERYTHING. Many photos are gone cause I had to delete them due to lack of space on picasa), I realized that I was so excited about life. Enthusiastic, I would say. I was so excited to wake up everyday, and do whatever was planned/ unplanned.

Secondary school days, what can I say. I didn't like my school. I had a horrible classmate who bullied me for two years, I had a psychotic choir teacher, I had eight subjects to study for. EIGHT. But, secondary school was also the period where I was most active in school — leadership positions like Vice-President of choir, sports competitions — where I grew into a leader, where I became a stronger person — thanks to my choir teacher, where I focused on school. Sure, my results weren't fantastic, I was in the third lousiest class, but I was living in the present then. What I thought about was homework, choir practice, information, knowledge, friends, the super nice Indian food in the canteen, running down from class to go to the canteen to avoid the queue/ go home. I was in the moment. Now, all I think about is the future. You may say, hold on a second, thinking and planning for the future is important, and yes I thoroughly agree. But focusing entirely on the future leads to you feel distressed today. What goes through my mind almost on a daily basis, now that I'm in uni: can I skip that class? Can I go home? Can I sleep? What job will I have next time? What is the future for my relationship? Will my not having a religion cause the demise of my relationship? What are the plans for my family? I am completely out of the present. I don't know what happened, but my interest in the present disappeared, or, to put it in a nicer way, shifted to something else. What did it shift to? It shifted to problems, worrying, relationships. It may not be a bad thing, but it has completely consumed me. I have no interest in going to school, despite it being a nice environment. I have more interest in meeting my boyfriend than going for classes, despite my knowing that my boyfriend won't be the one who can support me/ who can get me a stable, well-paying job. I have no interest in what I'm learning, because I'm more concerned on what I'll do after uni. It is rather depressing to see such a drastic change in myself in just five years. Many things can change in five years, but the scary thing about the change is recognizing it yourself. Honestly, I am completely freaked out, for the lack of a more proper phrase to describe my current feeling. What happened to the enthusiasm for life? Back then, till after JC, before I got into a relationship, every morning when I wake up, I ask myself one question: why is today worth it? And everyday, I had at least one reason, one factor for why it was a happy day. Where did the eagerness to wake up go? Where did the excitement and energy for life go? That is a question I really have to figure out.

Moving on to JC. Being from a convent school for ten years, I hardly had any interaction with boys, or guys, as they now called themselves. They are a foreign species, and obviously, being only recently exposed to them, I was curious. I didn't believe I had the skills set to talk to them without making a fool of myself, but well, they were developed during the course of the two years. Anyway, that's besides the point. The point is that I, naturally, became interested in one of my guy friends. Such a strange feeling, to like someone but not be able to do anything about it. Peppered with friend drama, JC life was no doubt the most interesting, lively, knowledge-filled, experience-filled years of my life. I have asked many of my friends, which do you prefer, secondary school, JC, or uni? Most, if not all, said secondary school. I am but the only one who said JC. JC was where I found my true friends. JC was the most happiest time of my life, despite the confusing biology, chemistry and math rubbish. Honestly what on earth did I learn? But I did learn. I may not remember anything now, being in an arts course in uni as opposed to a science course in JC, but I learnt, and I made an effort to absorb. I made an effort to ask my friends if I had doubts, arrange consultations with my teachers when I had no idea what they talked about during lecture. It is peculiar how I managed to juggle studying as well as going out with my friends regularly, I can hardly do that now, what a shame I lost that skill. I miss my friends in JC. I miss Yuheng, I miss Yuchen, I miss Cammie, I miss my entire class slogging together studying and for Mass PE. JC was also a time where I worked hard for what I wanted. I knew I needed NYAA and a leadership position for my uni application — so I did both. I signed up for NYAA and I ran for a position in my CCA, Interact Club. NYAA spanned a year, and I held the leadership position for a year as well. I shall talk about NYAA first. NYAA is this extra thing which honestly people do just to boost their uni application. Really. That was my intention of signing up in the first place. I signed up for NYAA Gold, which encompasses having to do a sport, a skill, community service, an adventurous journey, and the highlight of it was the overseas community service. I won't talk much about each component if not my blogpost would be a kilometre long, but I want to talk about the adventurous journey and both community services.

All my friends know I hate camps. I really hate them. As far as possible I would not want to have to participate in any. This adventurous journey led me to spend four days in Mawai, Malaysia. I absolutely hated it. But in a strange way, Mawai has grown on me. It is a terrible place where we had to build our own beds and walk through leech-infested swamps. Where at night, we had to cover our ears because insects had the tendency to crawl into small, warm spaces. Where showering was the greatest joy, and food was, well, also the greatest joy. Everyday trekking, battling (and losing) with leeches and mosquitoes, climbing ropes, falling into ponds. But Mawai was the only place I had been to, that the stars in the sky were as visible and numerous as the freckles on my face. It was magnificent. We all sat on a small boat, cramped together, going down the river and looking up at the sky. It was pitch black on the water, we could hardly even see each other, but the stars, wow. I can hardly describe the scene. It seems like a Disney fairytale, but imagine yourself sitting in a small boat. You're worried that it would topple, cause the sides of the boat are so short. The boat starts with a noisy roar, disturbing the deafening quietness and calmness of the jungle. You look up, and you see a million billion stars speckled in the black sky. You are already exhausted from the day's activities, but the sparkly sight causes you to open your eyes wide, in wondrous amazement. As the boat goes round a bend, to your right, near the trees in the jungle, you see another spread of light against a dark background, but these lights are moving. Fireflies. Hundreds, thousands. The boat's engine cuts off. You take in the sights. You take in the sounds. You don't take in the smell because the river stinks like an unventilated and unflushed toilet. You stop thinking for almost five minutes. You are completely immersed in the moment. You cannot imagine that you could be doing anything else other than looking at the tiny lights surrounding you. You cannot even bring yourself to think "I want to go home" or "I want a shower". Because time had stopped. The moment was utterly beautiful, and your heart can't help but stop to linger and bask in it. All too soon, the boat's engine interrupts off your reverie, and you have to leave. There could not be a more perfect moment.

As you already know from above, I was in Interact Club. Yeah, the "CIP CCA". I am proud that I was from Interact. Because in that short two years, I am happy to say that I had met and helped more people than most of you could ever help in your entire lives. I helped less fortunate children in Singapore, I helped the elderly, I helped the environment, I helped children in Thailand, I helped the community of Khao Lak. I will never forget Khao Lak. I went there for an Overseas Community Involvement Project (OCIP). Khao Lak was one of the worst-hit places during the tsunami, so we were trying to help the children and the community of Khao Lak rebuild their lives. I'll summarise the story. Three people to a room. One bed. Hot weather. Dirty walls. Long days. Long nights. Depressing mood due to surroundings — devastation. The kids there were the ones to cheer us up, on hindsight. We played games with them and taught them English. The kids there, they want nothing more than a normal day. A day where they can have fun and be children. But around them is devastation and chaos. The school — Baan Nam Kem, I can still remember it offhand — had sparse facilities. After school the children went to the community development centre (CDC), set up by a Singaporean man and his wife. They taught children how to play instruments such as electric guitar and drums. They taught them how to sing. They gave these children hope. I can't say much more, I'll start crying, but Khao Lak really changed my life. To know peace, you have to know devastation. The feeling I got from going there is indescribable. I get goosebumps thinking about it. Complete peace and serenity. It was hard to leave kids who held on to your hand through the day, as if they were afraid something was going to happen and they needed someone to be with them. These same kids, were riding on motorbikes to school. They were eleven and twelve year olds. For me, to have experienced such things in your life really makes you excited to be alive, to wake up everyday knowing that there is a high chance you'll make it through the day alive.

Coincidentally after this OCIP, the real running for committee posts in Interact Club started. Countless interviews, proposals, speeches. Completely not my thing. I am what my friends would call quiet, though once I get to know them I can't stop talking. But that was what I wanted and I pushed myself to run for a position. And I got it. I was the International Understanding Director for about a year. Heck, don't ask me what that means. I have no idea. I just handled more overseas-related projects. I think I am going into too much detail, so I shall just move on to the issue at hand. What I wanted, I got. Because I worked for it. I was motivated for it. I can hardly find motivation to study even when I came to a day before my exams now. Somewhere along the way, somehow, my zest (I hate this word but I can't think of other suitable words right now) for life just.. Died. I am tired most of the time. I feel sad more often, I find it hard to get out of bed in the morning. Why? Where did my motivation in life go?

I do not regret anything in my life. Regret is the most poisonous thing to do. It eats at you, slowly, and when you're left with nothing, you're dead. Things have changed a lot. I used to be innocent. I liked it. Perhaps it was a way to escape the terrible, terrible world. But innocence is a privilege, and I am glad I was able to remain that way till quite late in my life. I am proud to say that I'm am probably more virtuous than people with religions such as Christianity. That I am stronger than ever. That I am regaining the insight on how I want life to be. I read one post about how I was so determined to remain single for the rest of my life, achieve my dreams and goals by myself. Then my boyfriend came along, and I must say honestly that I have lost sight of what I want in life, and let other people, not only him, change that. It it said that when finding your partner, find someone who shares the same values as you, but with a different skill set. Sadly I feel that we do not share common values. I don't know what's going to happen, because it is difficult to achieve your goals in life if your partner has totally different beliefs. I really hope we can work on this, because I feel that I have wasted enough time the past two years doing things that aren't even close to what I want in life.

Don't let anyone change what you want in life. You're not going to get a second chance. This isn't a video game where when you die, you have another life. Don't even bother talking to me about heaven, because if there's no proof it's bullshit. Also, why are you even thinking so far ahead to "secure" a place in heaven when what you should be focusing on is the now? But that's a separate issue and I don't want to drag this any longer. Don't ever let anyone make you do things you don't want. I learnt this the hard way. If anyone is going to make me do anything I don't want, even if it's my loved one, I guarantee I will make you regret it.

Recently I feel myself gaining some excitement over nothing. Sounds crazy? No, not really, I used to get excited about everything and anything. I was happy all the time. No that's a lie, but I was mostly happy, rarely sad, sometimes angry.

That's a really long post, but reflections alone are always necessary. If you don't bother to do that then I really think you'll just be floating through life aimlessly. In no way am I blaming anyone for my deteriorating energy for life, I only blame myself and question myself why. I regret nothing, and I want to reach my goals. Noone can stop me.